The down side to this appointment was I found out I have a small cyst on my ovary. I've had a cyst before that burst and hurt like hell. So of course I'm now super paranoid about this new discovery even though my dr said there was nothing to be worried about; we have to just watch it. Questions are swarming my head: what if it grows and starts to push on the baby? What if it burst and scares the baby? What if it burst and makes me bleed and scares the crap out of me? I know all of these things I have no control over but I'm starting to really get annoyed with my reproductive system.
I decided to get a doppler fetal heart monitor to listen to the baby's heart beat at home. I have so many fears and anxieties with this pregnancy that I had to do something to help ease my mind. I try not to think about what happened to my son but sometimes it just hits me like a tornado and brings me to my knees in tears. I'm tearing up right now just typing this. I know what happened to my son was something that just happened, God's will. I also know that the outcome could have been deadly and we are so incredibly blessed that Elyjah is alive, happy, healthy and making gains every single day. I also know that he will have to work hard every day of his life to maintain all of these gains so that he can function to the best of his ability.
I do not want this baby to have to go through any trauma at all. I just want everything to be ok from pregnancy through delivery. I have six more months to think about this and worry. I do my best not to, but.... I'm just hoping the fetal heart monitor will ease my fears a little.
I go see a hemotologist next week to do a full blood work-up. Although I'm expecting nothing to be wrong with my blood, I need to be 100% sure. If you know me, then you already know that I want all the information possible, positive and negative.
I guess my next steps should be finding some sort of stress relief. Massage maybe. Or reading by scented candle light in a bubble bath : ) If only I had the time lol.
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